my baby saved my life

25 Feb, 2025

Finally I have healed I can love and I can commit I want to live Ups and downs come and go but my desire to grow won’t decline I will keep healing and growing

-unknown but in my drafts

Quick little warning for some talks of PAST ED’s , suicidal ideation and just loads of severe stress. If you’re not in the mood click off. And it’s my blog so enjoy a walk of text that honestly could sit in a journal somewhere but I’m putting here cause I can. Maybe it can be a source of comfort for people in a similar situation? Feel free to reach out if you need help I’m always glad to help anyone in these horrible circumstances.

Oh yeah and sorry for weird formatting I suck at writing!

It’s been 5 years today since I not only started recovering from my eating disorder but found out I was a mother. I have a lot of complex feelings about this.

It feels like it was just yesterday. I grew up heavily cautious and fearful for just about everything, but my health was a big one. You could imagine how 2020 was starting out for me. I knew it was coming this way. After hearing about Ebola for so many years on the news I just knew it was only a matter of time before something came this way. I have a knack for predicting things like this to the point it freaks me out.

At this same time our car started having issues, we were buying new ones left and right. Honestly I couldn’t tell you where they went, my husband could tell you that. But anyways, about a year before this I had completed a week long almost entirely dry fast, hitting the lowest weight I had ever been before. And my body started to completely shut down after that week. I gained some weight back afterwards obviously but my period was starting to get lighter and lighter. Though I’ve been keeping close track of my cycles since I was 11 years old and all signs pointed to me still being able to ovulate, so I was not freaking out yet. But since to get birth control they would weigh me I got off of it. I did not get pregnant for about an entire year.

So 2020 comes along and I miss my period.

Anyone who’s known me since I was a baby knows that my #1 dream was to become a mother. I would get told off by teachers in school for not having any other wants outside of motherhood. And my biggest fear was to be infertile.

I was planning to get pregnant in 2021. My biggest fear was to be infertile. I had missed a period. And I was only drinking a Diet Coke a day walking to the grocery store because we didn’t have a working car. I hadn’t been on birth control or gotten pregnant in a year and this is my first missed period. So what’s my first conclusion? I’m infertile now. My eating disorder has killed my one chance of being happy in this life. My only solution to this predicament is death.

Looking back at it, it’s so funny honestly. I had started exercising and eating a little more before this happened. What did I expect? I was getting healthier and had only been without a car for a few days. Things were looking up and I was just going through a rough patch due to not having safe foods available.

I started cramping nearly constantly and I thought my period was just a little late. But I believe an entire month went by with it not coming but the cramps staying present. I was at the end of my ropes and while I was looking for a way out of this world I suppose what few brain-cells I hadn’t starved off at that point rubbed together and said hey! Maybe you don’t need to die. Go buy a pregnancy test!

Of course I was pregnant. And despite the statistics. I had the easiest recovery to have ever graced this planet. Sometimes I honestly question if I ever had an ED to begin with. That is until my husband tells me he’s so happy I’m eating even all these years later. Or I’m reminded that I spent 3 years of my life on eating disorder websites. I’m not kidding. I would sleep weigh myself browse forums and then fall right back asleep. I don’t think that’s a normal occurrence.

So now I’m pregnant. But I don’t want to tell anyone yet. I tell my husband. He’s freaking out, I tell my friends, the close ones are happy for me but understandably worried. I decide to take an almost complete step back from school. And that very day I was determined to recover. I set up my prenatal appointments and got very lucky with my doctors who are the best I think in the world when it comes to care of teen mothers. You don’t know the horrors of the care we experience till you go through it yourself.

As I said thankfully I was lucky in that aspect. But I think socially I got the shortest end of the stick imaginable. Outside of the people that actually knew me. The first thing anyone would say to me when I would tell them I was pregnant was,

“Why didn’t you get an abortion lol."

I spent that entire pregnancy on miscarriage chance calculator. I had my pregnancy care manager on speed dial, I cried when I heard her heartbeat not because of happiness entirely but because I was scared she was dead. I’d be awake late at night panicking that I was panicking because what if that hurts her too! I already had pounds of baby clothes and names picked out from YEARS PRIOR for each gender just waiting to be worn! How could someone so casually say something like that to me? I was clearly grinning ear to ear and was finally getting better.

The world was telling us both to die. And to this day I stand by that. I’ve had so many friends go through similar things and I believe it’s no coincidence. It’s just all part of the plan. So I made my own plan. I'm a sim determined to hit her perma platinum so I can die happy and everyone can suck it!

It comes time to have my little one! Everything goes very smoothly and through all the joy and excitement the only thing I can think of is those words that were said to me.

And you know. You’d think it would only happen once.

Though not to the same extent, mostly because I’d completely changed my social circle to those far more mentally stable than even I was at this point. When I had my son it happened again. A planned pregnancy. It baffles me- or at least it used to.

If you’re in a similar boat. I’d highly recommend getting out of the house and making some normal mom friends. Get yourself out there and make a community. The best place to start is before you need one but now is your second best bet. Don’t isolate yourself like I did! You have NO IDEA the people out there that want to support you emotionally. Reach out to ED recovery specialists, support groups, call a local pregnancy resource center and let them know you have no idea where to look for help ! Your health department! Anything but just putting on a brave face and doing it all alone. I deeply regret even though it’s not entirely my fault just assuming that the entire world was out to get me because of a few bad apples. It’s not all like that. There are people out there that care for you as a single Eating disordered person or as a mom too and love your baby and want you to be supported and loved even if you only need emotional support. Hell I even got some support on ED sites especially when my nutritionist had no idea what I was on about. (Seriously though can anyone become a nutritionist now a days? Don’t tell a pregnant woman to eat only 300 more calories a day when she tells you she’s been eating 600 for many years and only recently started 2000, perhaps refer to a therapist in this case but what do I know.)

Anyways, now it’s 5 years since that day. I’d say it’s my spiritual birthday. I celebrate it like one. There was me before, and there was me after. I had my third little one coming up 8 months ago soon. I can say that my experiences with my first “adult” but still teen pregnancy was already very different. I’m very curious what #4 will bring for me now that I’m in my 20’s. ( NO NOT RIGHT NOW! I'M FOCUSING ON SCHOOL DON’T WORRY!)

So that’s it for the main story but here are some updates on my life in case you came here for that. (Hi friends btw and thanks for the sweet messages ily)

Super secret project is almost 100% done!

Other project is going okay! Staying consistent with most things right now. But taking a week off a portion of it. But it’s okay though consistency over perfection always!

Other than that I’m sleep deprived…… but I’ll see you next time, on my next wall of text!

-love you!